The silence on the end of the phone was deafening. It felt like an eternity before he finally spoke.
“Are you serious?”
I kind of laughed. “That would be a pretty mean joke, so yeah…I am serious.”
We both sat there silent for a bit. I was relived I had finally told him. I had been sitting on the knowledge for a week and a half by this point, but wanted to wait until I had gone to the doctor to 100% confirm it. We met up the next night to “talk about it”. I told him he didn’t have to be involved. His response, “I would never do what my father did. I am a better man than that.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God I wouldn’t have to go through this alone. I immediately felt better; he immediately felt the need to light up a cigarette. “Holy shit, get away from me, I can’t breathe that crap in!”
He went to the front door and opened it up. “What are we going to do?” he asked. “Do you want money for an abortion?”
I looked up at him completely taken back. Did he really think I would be this emotional and upset if that was my plan? I already had an ultrasound scheduled for the following day. I was already doing what I could to protect my little one. And he is suggesting THAT?
“Do you want to come with me tomorrow to the doctor? Maybe that will help us both feel better.” I suggested.
“No, I am not ready for that.” He stated.
After a few more hours discussing telling our families, our zoo of pets and how to handle everything, I left. I left feeling a little better. He is here. I don’t have to do this alone. Thank God.
I had my doctor appointment the next day. I called him afterwards. He didn’t answer. He didn’t return my texts. Or any of my calls that day. The following day he called and said “I did some research. I will drive you to Iowa City. They have a clinic that does lots of abortions.”
“I don’t think you get it. That is not an option for me. I saw the baby on the screen, our baby.”
Clearly, this should have been a sign to me. But he had said “I am a better man than that”.
We continued to hang out. The only topic was the baby. What we were going to do, where we were going to live, how we would tell people, etc. He was being supportive, yet kept mentioning a road trip to Iowa City. Finally, he must have realized I wasn’t budging.
He wouldn’t return any calls. He wouldn’t text or email. Nothing. It took me a month or two to realize that I was really on my own through this.
Part of me was relived. I knew I did not want my child growing up with him as a male role model. But most of me was heartbroken. How could a man knowingly walk away from his child? Leaving me is one thing, but leaving behind your child?
I officially decided I need to make a little more “me” time. I always feel guilty leaving little HJ. Since he was born, I have MAYBE had 5 nights out. Five nights where I can have an adult conversation. Unlike most people with a baby, I do not have another adult in the house. When he is in bed, I can’t sit on the couch and talk with someone. My time is always with HJ. And don’t get me wrong, I love our time. But I feel like having time for myself would be a good way to recharge. Heading out to dinner with friends (sans children), going for a jog, getting a pedicure…all sound like an amazing way to get back on track and remind myself that I am an adult. A person who needs a little pampering and a little down time. A little less time pushing toy cars and picking up legos and a little more lounging back with a mojito. I forget what it feels like to spend more than 30 minutes getting ready to look hot for a night on the town. I would love to be able to throw a cute dress on, a hot pair of heels and maybe even curl my hair.
Do any of you ever look at PostSecret?
I check it out every once in a while. It’s like catching up on gossip…only I don’t know who the stories are about. This week, there was one secret that tugged at my heart.
Makes me smile and cry at the same time. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone.
After the crayon fiasco, I decided that HJ might like to paint. I picked up some finger paints and paper and talked it up quite a bit on the car ride home. He wasn’t overly impressed. He wasn’t unimpressed either though. Definitely just didn’t care.
But doesn’t he seem a little bored? Like he is thinking, “why is she making me do this? And seriously, why is she clapping and taking pictures? I WANT TO RUNNN!”
The end result is BEAUTIFUL, if I do say so myself (even if he was bored).
Can not wait to display it in the house!
And look at this genius frame
I love etsy. Most of HJ’s bday party was decorated with etsy purchases, most of my Christmas gifts were purchased through etsy. And I love scouring the pages to find cute and unique things. Here are some of my current favorites:
Love the bracelet. I wear my HJ necklace everyday, but think the bracelet would be a little something extra.
She makes some of the cutest hats. I know first hand, look…
HJ had a frog theme birthday party, and this picture graced his invites (also an etsy purchase).
I wish I was patient enough to do something like this:
on a wall at my new house. But I don’t know if I will be able to hack it. Especially this one:
But seeing as how I have never even painted a wall, I don’t know if I should attempt this one quite yet!
I am planning a baby shower for a friend of mine and I LOVE this invite:
I am hoping I can convince the person helping throw the shower of the adorable-ness 🙂
HJ loves to color. However, I have never been able to get him to scribble more than a line or two on a piece of paper. Nothing really frame worthy. The other week, he ran around with his crayon ball (the crayon ball is a yellow ball with different colors of crayons all around it…easy for him to hold). I didn’t think much of it because he had never made more than a scratch of color on a piece of paper. Suddenly, he came racing into the kitchen.
“MOM, MOM MOM!!” (yes, he calls me mom…not mama or mommy, just MOM)
He was so excited! He was laughing and dragging me by the hand to my bedroom. Once I entered the room, he ran at full speed to a wall and started smiling and pointing to the wall. Guess what? He CAN color much more than a scratch on a piece of paper.
He was soooo proud of himself. I found it impossible to be mad. Besides, I had never told him NOT to color the wall (and we live in a rental…).
Two years ago this week is when I found out I was pregnant. I had taken 4 pregnancy tests throughout the previous month. Each said “not pregnant”. And a visit to my doctor, where she said, “if you have taken 4 tests that all said no, you are not pregnant.”
Still. Something was different. For one, I was displaying some “symptoms”. A good symptom…like my boobs looked amazing…I even had a friend comment on them…sign number 1. After a few more signs, I decided to take test #5. I had nothing to fret about since it WAS test #5 after all. So during a commercial break of Desperate housewives, I took the test and started folding some laundry. A few minutes later, I glanced over. WTF!?!? Is that a 2nd line? Looked at the box…1 line not prego, 2 lines prego. But the line is only partly there, what in the world does that mean??? CRAP CRAP CRAP. I grabbed my phone and called Rebecca. “So, I need you to run to the store for me, grab some pregnancy tests and get here FAST”
She didn’t ask questions. She flew over, with a bottle of Gatorade and 2 tests. I made her go look at the “results”. “um…it says the same thing”.
“but sometimes those can be wrong, right?”
“It can show a false negative, but not a false positive”
I can’t say after that we started jumping up and down and planning a baby shower. But I knew the instant I saw the positive test I was having a baby. I was an emotional basket case the next few weeks. Everything was a blur. I went to the doctor, where they gave me “options” and then an ultrasound where I saw my precious little bean. I told the Deadbeat. He said “don’t worry you won’t go through this alone, I am a better man then that”. He proceeded to stay with me the next few weeks. I soon realized he was doing this to convince me to have an abortion. When he realized this was not happening, he disappeared.
A few people brought up my different options, but I knew the whole time I was having the baby. I loved the little bean already. The only reason I was so upset, was I knew my life was about to change drastically. Not only drastically, but so unexpectedly.
My family and friends were amazing. They all helped me become excited. They showered me with love (and gifts!) and helped me switch my lifestyle from crazy and carefree to a more family friendly environment.
It is amazing how much a moment can completely change your life. In an instant I went from one lifestyle to another. With one faint line on a stick, I knew my life would never be the same.