Way back in 2001, I wrote this post. It was about how hard Father’s Day was, and I felt my son was missing something in his life. Then last year, I wrote the post that brought some of you to tears, with HJ asking why he doesn’t have a daddy.
I was not looking forward to Father’s Day or even Mother’s Day this year. In the past, they have both been reminders of what is lacking in our family.
On Mother’s Day, I have never woke up to a breakfast, or being spoiled throughout the day. HJ isn’t old enough to attempt something special, so it is just like any other day in our house.
Father’s Day brought on its own sort of dread. I worry about HJ, and how he thinks. I wonder when the questions will come, and how he will accept my answers. The last few years left me thinking how different our lives could be, or rather how I thought they should be.
No one wants to think they can’t give their child the world. But I felt that somehow, his world would be shattered if he knew about his father. And this is why Father’s Day has been difficult in the past.
The past two years have brought a few questions around Father’s Day. From HJ, or his friends asking why he doesn’t have a dad. I have been lucky that the explanation of, “all families are different” has been good enough.
And now, I sense of relief has come over me. This year, I wasn’t angry or bitter on Father’s Day. I didn’t think how it wasn’t fair that HJ doesn’t have a dad. Instead, I thought of how lucky we are his father chose to leave. How much more difficult our lives would have been trying to balance a father who would come and go. And I felt relief.
For once, I wasn’t wishing things had played out different. I was thinking about how lucky I am. I am lucky that HJ has positive male role models in his life, even if they aren’t his father. How lucky I am to have grown up with such amazing men in my life to realize I don’t need to settle. And how lucky HJ and I are to have each other.
For the first time in years, I had a Happy Father’s Day.