Having the medical scare with HJ is an experience that taught me a lot in a short time. It made me experience feelings and emotions I would never wish upon anyone. It made me see the good in people. It made me realize what could have been, and it made me put a new perspective in place.
The saying “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” kept going through my head. I kept telling God that I was about to break and I couldn’t handle much more. Did God know that I couldn’t handle more? Why do so many people never even have to go through such a scare? And then I think, but why does he think those other parents can handle it? The ones that I was afraid to make eye contact with in the lounge? Are they stronger? Or do they feel broken?
I was afraid of becoming one of them. I didn’t want the hospital to be our home away from home. I didn’t want other people to feel sorry for me, but at the same time be grateful it wasn’t them.
There is no feeling like the one when you can’t help your child. When what is going on isn’t up to you. When you aren’t in control of what is going on.
I kept thinking what a bitch Karma is. I feel like I know so many people who seem to have everything go their way. I also know some people where things haven’t gone their way. And they are good people. I like to think I am a good person, and that at some point things will turn around. And then I think maybe this was my good karma. But at the same time, no one deserves to have bad things happen to them, so why do they?
I always remind myself everyone is fighting their own battle. Someone might seem like everything in their life is perfect, but you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. And you don’t know what inner demons people deal with.
I had so many people reach out to me. At first, I was annoyed at the huge amount of friend requests I got on facebook after posting a status on HJ and that he needed positive vibes. It made me think they were being nosy. Then I realized, even if they are being nosy, it’s because they are worried. They were thinking about my baby, and hoping for the best. Hundreds of people were thinking about my little guy and hoping he would be ok.
Facebook had another annoyance. While I am praying that my son will be okay and sitting in a hospital room, people were making posts about how horrible their lives were. Because Starbuck’s got their order wrong, because it was raining, because their kid refused to go to bed. And it put things into perspective. I would have loved for those to have been my biggest issues at that moment. I wonder if they realized how petty their annoyances seemed to me. And I wonder how petty my biggest issue seemed to the parent across the hall, who appeared to be living there.
It has made me a more patient and appreciative mother. I hope this stays with me and doesn’t fade away. I haven’t been as irritated or short with HJ. I KNOW he always moves slow, and I am planning better for it instead of getting in an argument every time we need to leave. And you know what? Most 3 year olds do this. So instead of being frustrated, I should help him. Help him learn how to get ready himself like he is trying to do. I have been smiling and loving these moments. He is so determined to do everything himself, and I am lucky he is able to try.
I have tried so hard to get him to stay in his own bed all night, but I love waking up and seeing that this cute little guy has crawled into bed with me yet again. He thinks my bed is warm and cozy, because I am there. Who can argue with that?
I am so relieved that my boy is okay. I am so happy I only dealt with this fear for 36 hours. I hope it gives me a new appreciation for how lucky and blessed our lives are. And that I hold onto this feeling.