One of my biggest downfalls is being to hard on self.  I fear judgement of others.  I want everyone to like me.

Wow, that was more than one downfall.

There was a night last week that I came home from work and had my mind-set on getting certain things accomplished.  There is no reason I had to get it all done that night.  I just wanted to.

The second I got out of the car, I had HJ go to the play room.  I started tearing his room apart so I could get his new bed set up.  This involved me taking his mattress off, carrying a box spring and frame to the garage, and removing everything that had accumulated under his bed.  And on top of this, my back still hurt.

Then, I wanted to clean up his carpet, so I got the carpet shampoo-er out and shampooed his carpets.  And continued onto my room…and then the rest of the house.

I then brought his new bed inside and proceeded to figure out how to put it all together.  It became evident this was a 2-person job, but I was in “single-mom-hear-me-roar” mode.  After numerous attempts, I became frustrated.  I fell to the floor in defeat and just laid there while HJ asked if he could help.  It brought me to tears, that here I was cussing, hurting myself and shouting at him to bring my things.  I told myself to be patient.  But it hurt that I even let myself get to that point.

Eventually, I did ask for help from my neighbor, and it was MUCH easier to do with another set of hands.  And we got it done together.

While this was going on, I also cooked dinner, did a load of laundry and put all of HJ’s out-grown clothes away.  Yes, on top of shampooing the carpets and putting a bed together.

But seriously, why did I do all this?  Why do I feel that need to always have everything perfect?

My house is always picked up because I fear someone judging me.  I try not to run errands looking like a scrub.  I give my son the same opportunities of all of my friends kids, even if I can’t afford it.  I try so hard to keep everything just so.  I am always hard on myself, telling myself I am not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough.

Then, every so often, I ask myself why.  Why is it so important to have everything just so?  Would it really have mattered if HJ had to stay in my bed that night since his room was torn apart?  Does it really matter if I have to ask for help sometimes?  Can’t everyone use an extra hand every now and then?

I think part of it is I fear people judge me more because I am a single mom.  That if HJ isn’t polite, it’s because he doesn’t have a dad.  If the house isn’t clean, it’s because I can’t handle it.  That if I wear sweatpants to go to Target, it’s because I am lazy.

The fact is, there are times when I just can’t keep up.  And there are times where I just don’t want to.  I want to be able to lay on the couch when HJ goes to bed and get engrossed in a book.  Instead, I clean the house, get things ready for the next day, put away laundry, let the dog out, etc.  Anything but relax.

My goal is to relax more.  To realize that I am enough.  To be more patient with my son and enjoy our moments together.  To not worry about the “what-if’s”.  To not fret about a dirty floor or unfolded laundry.  To be content.

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11 Thoughts on “I Am Enough.

  1. Katie on June 3, 2013 at 8:49 am said:

    This was perfect! You are soo right..you are enough! HJ is luckiest little boy to have you as a mom..youre awesome! And I’m so happy we are neighbors and get to be two single moms proving to everyone that we can do it:) Always remember..there can never be a more beautiful you!

    • sliceofmudpie@gmail.com on June 3, 2013 at 4:17 pm said:

      I love having you as a neighbor! And we had great team work getting the bed together, even if you said, “this is a man’s job” 🙂

  2. GIVE. YOUR. SELF. A. BREAK. Pack up a suitcase for you and HJ and spend the weekend in my cluttered crazy house. I have my hubby and my sister helping me and I am ALWAYS a mess. YOU ARE A FABULOUS MAMA! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL (hello! singles crew!!!) YOU ARE ENOUGH! Say it every day! It is now your mantra.
    I will continue to brag about how incredible you are and how you are soooooo much more than enough…because I believe it! 🙂

    • sliceofmudpie@gmail.com on June 3, 2013 at 4:16 pm said:

      I would probably start organizing for you (I have done that at others houses) Thank you sweetie!!

  3. Staci on June 3, 2013 at 11:18 am said:

    You are enough…remember that. And call me over to drink whenever you want 🙂

  4. I want to thank you for this. I am not a single mom – I have a husband who is wonderful and does his best to help 90% of the time, and a beautiful 5 year old son. One is Asperger’s, one is high functioning autism. It can be rough. Add to that caregiver for a family member, helping with another who has severe medical issues, and trying to look after another elderly family member and provide respite care. Oh, and in school myself, teaching my son, and work from home. I can’t do it all. I logically know this. Yet my logic seems to fly out the window a lot. There are many days I’m angry at myself because I haven’t gotten to washing that last dinner dish, there’s laundry to be done, or some other thing that honestly can wait…because I feel like I’ll be judged by the exterminator who comes once a month, the landlord, the neighbors in the apartment next door, family.

    I forget that hey – he works sometimes over 60 hours a week but helps whenever he can and has no issue with coming home and doing whatever I didn’t get to. That hey – my son has special needs and there need be no guilt because that basket of laundry isn’t folded yet. And so on. Right now husband is home doing whatever he can to be helpful because he was laid off one job and is waiting for another to start.

    I really, really appreciate this post. It puts things in perspective and is a great reminder. I read it and started to cry – that is so me, and you’re right, ask for help. We are enough. So *HUGS* to you and thank you.

    • sliceofmudpie@gmail.com on June 3, 2013 at 4:15 pm said:

      Oh, thanks 🙂 Hugs back to you too! We need to start being okay letting our houses get a little messy 🙂

  5. I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes find myself doing the same thing. But it’s okay not to be perfect. Take deep breaths and relax.:)

  6. Oh darl, you need to relax…..I felt like that when my girl was younger, and I was always so exhausted. I think it’s a common single mum thing…..we feel like we need to prove something to the rest of the world, and I guess we don’t want to feel like our children are missing out on anything so we try to do it all……you can’t though. You are one person.

    I used to think all my married friends had these beautifully clean homes….I would come home and think, OMG I have to clean my house……that was their houses on the weekend though, when I saw them through the week…their houses were just as messy as mine. Appearances can be deceiving.

    Trust me, you’ll be much happier if you let go a little. If your friends are good ones, they’ll understand. As long as you’re not going “Hoarders Style”…lol, I think a little mess is normal.

  7. Kathie on June 4, 2013 at 12:00 pm said:

    You are a beautiful, intelligent, and a devoted mom. I am so proud of the woman you have become. H.J. is very lucky to have you as a mom.
    You do try to do it all, I try to make it easier for you, and you know that we are always here to help. Have you heard the expression, “It takes a village”????
    Take time for yourself, it will make you happier and HJ too!!
    Life is short, enjoy it!!!
    It’s important to make time for yourself,it will make you a happier person

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