One of my biggest downfalls is being to hard on self. I fear judgement of others. I want everyone to like me.
Wow, that was more than one downfall.
There was a night last week that I came home from work and had my mind-set on getting certain things accomplished. There is no reason I had to get it all done that night. I just wanted to.
The second I got out of the car, I had HJ go to the play room. I started tearing his room apart so I could get his new bed set up. This involved me taking his mattress off, carrying a box spring and frame to the garage, and removing everything that had accumulated under his bed. And on top of this, my back still hurt.
Then, I wanted to clean up his carpet, so I got the carpet shampoo-er out and shampooed his carpets. And continued onto my room…and then the rest of the house.
I then brought his new bed inside and proceeded to figure out how to put it all together. It became evident this was a 2-person job, but I was in “single-mom-hear-me-roar” mode. After numerous attempts, I became frustrated. I fell to the floor in defeat and just laid there while HJ asked if he could help. It brought me to tears, that here I was cussing, hurting myself and shouting at him to bring my things. I told myself to be patient. But it hurt that I even let myself get to that point.
Eventually, I did ask for help from my neighbor, and it was MUCH easier to do with another set of hands. And we got it done together.
While this was going on, I also cooked dinner, did a load of laundry and put all of HJ’s out-grown clothes away. Yes, on top of shampooing the carpets and putting a bed together.
But seriously, why did I do all this? Why do I feel that need to always have everything perfect?
My house is always picked up because I fear someone judging me. I try not to run errands looking like a scrub. I give my son the same opportunities of all of my friends kids, even if I can’t afford it. I try so hard to keep everything just so. I am always hard on myself, telling myself I am not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough.
Then, every so often, I ask myself why. Why is it so important to have everything just so? Would it really have mattered if HJ had to stay in my bed that night since his room was torn apart? Does it really matter if I have to ask for help sometimes? Can’t everyone use an extra hand every now and then?
I think part of it is I fear people judge me more because I am a single mom. That if HJ isn’t polite, it’s because he doesn’t have a dad. If the house isn’t clean, it’s because I can’t handle it. That if I wear sweatpants to go to Target, it’s because I am lazy.
The fact is, there are times when I just can’t keep up. And there are times where I just don’t want to. I want to be able to lay on the couch when HJ goes to bed and get engrossed in a book. Instead, I clean the house, get things ready for the next day, put away laundry, let the dog out, etc. Anything but relax.
My goal is to relax more. To realize that I am enough. To be more patient with my son and enjoy our moments together. To not worry about the “what-if’s”. To not fret about a dirty floor or unfolded laundry. To be content.