HJ was born at 3:15 am on November 4th.  Being born at that time of the day means not many people are awake.  I went into labor the evening of the 3rd, and pushed from midnight on.  It was exhausting.  But at 3:15 am, I knew the greatest joy.  This little person was placed in my arms and everything changed.

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My wonderful friend Amy had helped through the labor (don’t worry, she is a labor and delivery nurse).  She had been at work when I went into labor, just finishing a 12 hour shift.  And then continued to finish off a full 24 hours by helping me through it.  She got to cut his umbilical cord :).

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After all the craziness following labor (weighing, measuring, crying, pictures, more pushing and lovely stitches), Amy went and got my mom.  Shortly after, Amy went home, to finally get some sleep.  My mom stayed with us for a bit, but then went to my apartment to finally get some sleep.

About this time, a nurse came in to take HJ’s footprints and give him his first bath.

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She said another nurse had made a hat she wanted HJ to have.  We laughed that he looked like a little cupcake.

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And then she left.  It was just me and the most perfect person I have ever laid eyes on.

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And then it hit me.  We were all we had.  I was alone.  The tears came quickly as I told HJ over and over, “I am so sorry.  It’s just me and you.  I am sorry.”

I knew throughout the pregnancy that I would be raising him alone.  But it never really hit me like it did at that moment.  And I had never felt so alone.  Or scared.

I held him tight as the tears rolled down.  I tried calling my mom, my sister, a few friends, but no one answered.  It wasn’t even 6am.

6:15 rolled around and I figured I could send the obligatory mass text. “Harrison James was born at 3:15am, 6lbs. 15oz, 19 inches”

The “congrats” texts started rolling in.  But I was still alone.  Feeling guilty that I didn’t have more to give my son.  That I couldn’t give him a dad.

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10 Thoughts on “Alone.

  1. Awww, huge hugs. I felt the very same way, although my labor coach and best friend stayed with us the first night in the hospital.

  2. Nicole on March 19, 2013 at 6:32 pm said:

    He is lucky to have such an amazing mama!

  3. I think I still cry and tell my new baby girl at least once a day how sorry I am that she won’t have her daddy. It’s no fun, that’s for sure.

  4. Such sweet pictures, SML. It is a very alone feeling, at times, being a single mom. But, there are great joys and satisfaction that comes, also, knowing we are doing everything we can because we have to work twice as hard. Thanks for sharing these-truly precious. XOXO-SWM

  5. I could feel your emotion through this post! I know exactly how you feel. It’s not easy. But doesn’t it get easier? Look at us now today. You’re such an amazing mom…that is all HJ needs.

  6. I just found your blog through the dating guest blog you did. This brought tears to my eyes. People who aren’t single parents have a hard time understanding the ‘aloneness’ part of single parenting.

    My Life With a Boy

  7. Oh Hun, you brought tears to me eyes reading this. I know that feeling of being alone too well! I think you really have to be a single parent to “get it”.

    How great are best friends….my best friend and my sister held my hand through my daughters birth. Even though my bestie had a 9mo baby of her own she stayed in the hospital with me for 2 days through the labour. If she was a man I would just go ahead and marry her! lol

    How cute is your boy btw!

  8. Your boy may not have a dad but looks like he’s got a d*** good mama…and that counts for A LOT.

  9. Ruben on May 5, 2015 at 11:42 pm said:

    You made tears swell in my eyes. But don’t worry, Ma’am. Just do your best and give him the love he needs. I’m 27 years old and had my father leave me for drugs. I felt alone and unwanted throughout my high school days, but one thing that helped me through was my mom. I will never forget the love she gave me. It helped me become the man I am today.

    Semper Fi

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