HJ was born at 3:15 am on November 4th. Being born at that time of the day means not many people are awake. I went into labor the evening of the 3rd, and pushed from midnight on. It was exhausting. But at 3:15 am, I knew the greatest joy. This little person was placed in my arms and everything changed.
My wonderful friend Amy had helped through the labor (don’t worry, she is a labor and delivery nurse). She had been at work when I went into labor, just finishing a 12 hour shift. And then continued to finish off a full 24 hours by helping me through it. She got to cut his umbilical cord :).
After all the craziness following labor (weighing, measuring, crying, pictures, more pushing and lovely stitches), Amy went and got my mom. Shortly after, Amy went home, to finally get some sleep. My mom stayed with us for a bit, but then went to my apartment to finally get some sleep.
About this time, a nurse came in to take HJ’s footprints and give him his first bath.
She said another nurse had made a hat she wanted HJ to have. We laughed that he looked like a little cupcake.
And then she left. It was just me and the most perfect person I have ever laid eyes on.
And then it hit me. We were all we had. I was alone. The tears came quickly as I told HJ over and over, “I am so sorry. It’s just me and you. I am sorry.”
I knew throughout the pregnancy that I would be raising him alone. But it never really hit me like it did at that moment. And I had never felt so alone. Or scared.
I held him tight as the tears rolled down. I tried calling my mom, my sister, a few friends, but no one answered. It wasn’t even 6am.
6:15 rolled around and I figured I could send the obligatory mass text. “Harrison James was born at 3:15am, 6lbs. 15oz, 19 inches”
The “congrats” texts started rolling in. But I was still alone. Feeling guilty that I didn’t have more to give my son. That I couldn’t give him a dad.