“You know you’re a good mom, right?”
My friend asked me this while have a heart to heart over the phone. I feel as if this conversation would have had more of a resolve over a glass of wine sitting on couches.
My eyes welled up with tears.
It’s not that I don’t think I am a good mom. I worry that I am not enough.
I worry that HJ needs more than just me.
What if I am not enough to give him all he needs? All that he deserves? What if I can’t do this alone?
Most of the time, I love being a mom, but there are times, when I haven’t had a break in months, and I crack. When I feel like I am not enough. When I need a break, but there is no one to give me one.
I don’t get nights off. When I finally do (I have had four so far this year…4 nights off in 11 months), I feel guilty. I feel like I am being a bad parent. And then I don’t enjoy it. I worry the whole time about what he is doing. About what I am missing. And everything I should be doing instead. What needs to be done the next day, and how I shouldn’t stay up late. I can’t live in the moment.
And then I think, I am not enough. He deserves more.
So I don’t do something on my own for months and months at a time.
I know I should take me time. And I might be more likely to if I knew people who were doing stuff. But all of my friends are married, so they go on date nights when they get a night off. I don’t have people to call to say that I need a night off. And I don’t ask, because then I feel guilty.
I feel like I am talking in circles…
But, what if I can’t do it alone? What if I am not enough?