I am deathly afraid of spiders.  And snakes.  And creepy clowns.  And bats.

Any encounter with one of those 4 will give me nightmares.  In fact, I am probably going to have one tonight just for talking about them.

Yesterday, this happened…

That thing went strolling into the garage while HJ and I were getting ready to have a water gun fight.  I flipped out.  I handled it horribly.  HJ learned a few new words.  And I was ridiculous throughout the whole 15 minute fiasco.  Yes, it took me 15 minutes to kill a spider.

But look at the size of that thing!  I had on flip-flops, so I couldn’t just step on it.

You might notice the ground is all wet around the spider.

Well, like I said, HJ and I were going to play with water guns, so I happened to have a bucket of water in my hand when I saw the monster creep towards the garage.

I yelled “HOLY MOTHER EFFER!” (yes, I said effer and not the “f word”..thank goodness) and threw the bucket of water on it.  Then, it started walking towards me.  This is when I took the picture so whoever found my remains would know what killed me.

I jumped and shreaked.  I told HJ to step on it.  He said, “ew, no!”

My sister had just given him a speech about how all bugs are God’s creatures, blah blah blah.  Thanks, J.

I was still not ready to stomp on it with my flip flop…they didn’t seem big enough.  So I told HJ to keep his eye on it while I ran into the garage to grab the bug killer.

I am not proud of what happened next.  But this spider was out for me.  And I am almost certain it was poisonous.

I sprayed the hell out of it with bug killer.

Then HJ and I took our water guns and sprayed him some more.

Then I watched it for a few minutes to make sure it wouldn’t move.

It had one leg in the air.  Like it was waving the white flag.  But I still didn’t trust the SOB.

I poked at it with a stick.

I was finally convinced of its death. And HJ told me good job while offering a high 5.

About an hour later, my dad stopped by and asked why there was water all over the garage.  I showed him the dead spider.  He gave me an odd look.  For the next hour, I kept bringing up the “scary spider in the garage”.  Finally, my dad went out and removed the dead spider from the garage.

I am 30, and my dad is still picking up dead spiders for me.


One Thought on “Spider Man

  1. Well I would’ve killed it for ya. As long as I had a weapon. This story is going to freak you out. Once I ran across a spider similar to the one above. When I whacked it with my flip flop 100 little baby spiders scattered. I didn’t say eff, I said the real thing and it was indoors, while I was babysitting. I may have cried.

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