Three years ago today, my sister’s family had been visiting me.  I gave them my bedroom (in my one bedroom apartment) and had spent the night on the couch.  I remember falling asleep that night and being unable to lay on my stomach because my chest hurt so much.  I didn’t think much about it.  Sure my period was late, but I had taken 4 pregnancy tests and gone to the doctor.  Everything and everyone said “not pregnant”.  The doctor mentioned that since I had just started taking birth control in January, that maybe my body was still adjusting.

I remember taking the dog on a walk after my visitors left.  I brought my phone with me to catch up with some friends.  One of my conversations was about planning our trip to Vegas.  We had picked a few weekends in April that worked for everyone and were going to get the tickets that week.

For some reason, I thought I should take another pregnancy test…you know, to reassure myself for the 6th time before planning a Vegas getaway.  

Later that night, I was watching Desperate Housewives.  During a commercial, I decided to take the test.  So, I went to the bathroom, peed on the stick and started to fold some laundry.  I was not concerned.  The doctor had said I was not pregnant, right?

While folding laundry, I glanced over at the stick on the bathroom counter.  Huh, that’s weird.  I could have sworn the box said one line, not pregnant, two lines pregnant.  This test showed one very distinct line and then another VERY faint line.

And then I panicked.

I called Rebecca.  I told her I just took a pregnancy test and I couldn’t read the results.  I asked if she could pick up another one and stop over.  I think I said this between gasping for air…

While waiting for Rebecca, I called my friend Courtney.  She answered and I quickly stammered out, “I’m fucking pregnant.”

I don’t remember her response, but I do know she said everything would be fine.  Meanwhile, Rebecca showed up with a double pack of tests and a Gatorade.  I ran to the bathroom, peed on the stick and stared at her for two minutes.  I told her to go look at it.  She came out of the bathroom and said, “It says the same thing.”

I remember being quite a mess.  Rebecca was unsure of what to do and when to leave.  I think I even had her in tears at one point.  I remember sitting on the floor in a pile of unfolded laundry.  I remember thinking holy shit, I am going to be a mom.

Then I remember thinking about Nate.  I was confused on where we stood at the moment.  Since we had dated, we had been inseparable, except for the past two weeks.  He had distanced himself.  Texting rarely, calling even more seldom.  We had hardly seen each other.  He had told me it was due to work, but I had a feeling it wasn’t.  I remember being at a hockey game with a friend and her saying, “Hate to say it, but I am glad he isn’t calling.  He is trash.  You needed to get him out of your system, on to the next.”

I remember thinking she was right.

But just that day he had actually called.  He had said he missed me and wanted to get together for dinner on Wednesday.  So where did we stand?  And now that I found out I was pregnant, what was going to happen?

I couldn’t help but think about a conversation we had a few months prior.  We were watching Juno and saying how our parents would react to the news of being pregnant.  He said he wouldn’t even tell his dad since they didn’t talk, but that we knows he would definitely be a better man than him.  That he would be a dad.  That we were at the age where our friends were having kids.

I remember that thought calming me a little bit.  But I was still freaking out.  Like I said, I didn’t really feel like we were even a couple at this point.  And I was pregnant.

3 Thoughts on “3 Years

  1. And look how far you’ve come. I remember those feelings panic, being scared, worry, etc. But despite all the hardships everything turns out ok in the end.

  2. I can’t imagine…although in a way, now I can. Felt like I was reading your diary. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing life!!!!! I say that because of the culture and times in which we live… your little HJ is one blessed young man for having a mommy who did choose life..

  3. Pingback: Mommy to Bee « singlemamalife

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