Part of the reason I don’t sleep well is I have always had vivid dreams.  I can tell you about dreams I had when I was 4 years old (the one that sticks out most involves me climbing a tree to escape lava).  Since having HJ, I have had some strange dreams.  The ones that leave me feeling the most tired involve Nate (HJ’s dad).

Last week I had a dream that I had to go to Nate’s house to pick up a few things I had left there…a t-shirt, a curtain rod (dreams are weird, I definitely have not left anything there for a few years) and some dishes.  I had a few friends in the car with me when we pulled up to the house.  He told me to come in while he gathered the stuff.  His girlfriend was upstairs at the time, but his grandma and daughter were sitting right there.  I was playing peek-a-boo with his daughter when my eye caught something to my right.  Sitting on a shelf were pictures of HJ.  I grabbed them off the shelf and raced over to Nate.  “How did you get these and why the hell are they in your house?”  He said that they were from a friend of a friend that tracked them down.  He wanted to make sure his son was cute.  This freaked me out.  If he wanted nothing to do with HJ, then he didn’t deserve pictures.  That’s when his grandma spoke up.  She said he does want to be involved and I was going to find out tomorrow when I was served papers.

This made me fighting mad.  I told him I had never denied him anything and I would love for him to see his son.  I told him how awful it was that he was planning on surprising me with this news.  Then his girlfriend walked in.  All she said was “we should get HJ, not you.”

And I woke up.  Spitting mad.

Another one involved me trying to become friends with his gf to make him mad.  She didn’t realize who I was.

I have also had many dreams where I tell his family about HJ and get into a huge argument with Nate.

I hate how much he is in my mind, even when I sleep.  I wish I could just let go.

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