HJ was about a month old, I couldn’t believe how fast time was flying by.  I had not talked to his father since HJ was born.  It’s not like I didn’t think about it.  He crossed my mind all the time.  But I was loving being a mommy and did not want to bring anything negative around me.  He had never called, texted or emailed to see how we were.  He did not even know “it” was a boy.  And he did not care.

My friend Lulu called and said she was stopping over to see us.  When she arrived she said it.  “I ran into Nate and his girlfriend.” 

I gasped.  A thousand thoughts quickly went through my head in the second that she paused.  Does she know about his child?  Did he ask anything?  Did he seem to care?

“I don’t know how to say this, but you need to know.”

Are they engaged?  What the hell is she talking about?

“She’s pregnant.”


That was the last thing I expected to hear.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, over and over.  I felt sick.  I also felt hurt, jealous, heartbroken, confused, upset, irate, angry, hopeful…I can never accurately describe exactly how I felt.  But I felt it double for my son.

How could he have stayed with her while she was pregnant but not give me a second thought?  I am not saying I wanted him back, WE would have never worked, but I still wanted my son to have a father.

Maybe seeing how much he loves his new baby will make him realize what he is missing.

How could he choose one baby over another?

Did he not realize what he was missing out on?

I turned to the internet to get some answers…there it was…they were registered at Babies R Us..baby girl…with a due date only 5 months past his son’s.  Five months.

I emotionally lost it.  I became a jealous, vengeful person.  I was ugly, but I also felt justified.

I called him.  He didn’t answer.  I called again.  And again.  And again.  I left a message saying something to the affect of “We need to talk.”

He finally called back and said, “What do you need?”


I don’t remember his response.  I am sure it was ridiculous and pointless.  I mentioned how he had never even called to see how his child was.  How he didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl.  I asked him “Don’t you even care to know anything?”

His response was another blow, “Not really.”

The next day I called a lawyer.  I met with him and told him the story.  I told him how it was important that I have in writing that I have full custody.  I was not saying I didn’t want Nate involved, I just didn’t want him to suddenly enter our life’s 3 years later and take 50% custody.  It was something I could do to protect my son from his father.  We also mentioned child support.  I mentioned that I wanted some support since he would be providing for his other child (I felt HJ deserved something), but that custody was my #1 thing.  Meaning if Nate put up a fight, I was willing to negotiate on the money.  The lawyer couldn’t believe that the dad wanted no part and warned me it could get ugly if a custody battle ensued.  I understood.  And was concerned.  But knew it needed to get done.

The lawyer drew up the paperwork to serve and I gave him Nate’s girlfriends address to serve the paperwork.

A few days later I got a call. “Why the hell am I getting served with paperwork for child support?”

“Oh hi!  Yes, your son and I are fine, thank you.  And the paperwork?  Well, you have a child.  And as much as you want to deny it, you are obligated to support him in some way.”

“You said I didn’t have to be involved.  If you couldn’t do it on your own, you should have had an abortion.”

“Wow.  You are an ass.  Luckily, the state agrees with me.  The main thing I want is for you to sign over custody, and that is what the paperwork will have.”

“I would rather sign away all my rights to that mistake.”

I would love to say I was being strong, but I was sobbing.  How could he say that about my son?  My everything?  I officially knew what true hate felt like.

6 Thoughts on “Part 4…the hardest one

  1. Kate on June 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm said:

    I found your blog through younghouselove(I have the most boring job and like to check out blogs in the comments section). I have been following along for a little bit and have read your story. I was SOOOO angry when I read this post that I had to comment. You are both so much better off without him in your lives. I know that I wouldn’t want someone like that as a “role model” for my son. His fiance is a complete bonehead for being with someone who has no regard for human life. You’re in my thoughts…

  2. WOW! Your little guy is so lucky to have YOU, to protect him and care for him as well as you do. THis just crushes me reading this. HE has no idea what he is missing out on. Truly, it’s his loss. I’m so sorry!

  3. Nash on June 3, 2011 at 12:36 am said:

    I stumbled onto your blog and I usually don’t leave comments but didn’t want to run without saying that I am in a very similar situation to yours. I left my husband nearly 2 years ago when I was 3 months pregnant because of he was violent and I didn’t want to raise my child in that env. Anyway I haven’t spoken to him since then and he hasent bothered to find out anythingabout his child. Early this year I found out he has another son who is about 3 months younger to mine with another woman and our divorce isent even settled. He is apprently engaged to her. Even though he is a terrible human being it did not stop me from being livid, hurt and betrayed.

    When I finally got over those emotions I realized this was a blessing in disguise! My son and I have a chance of better life without him. I still have fears on how not knowing his father will affect him but I also know he will be better off tahr having a role model that cannot take responsibility.

    Sorry for the long post but I wanted to let you know you are not alone you and your son are better off without someone who is that heartless!!

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