“I’m pregnant.”

The silence on the end of the phone was deafening.  It felt like an eternity before he finally spoke.

“Are you serious?”

I kind of laughed.  “That would be a pretty mean joke, so yeah…I am serious.”

We both sat there silent for a bit.  I was relived I had finally told him.  I had been sitting on the knowledge for a week and a half by this point, but wanted to wait until I had gone to the doctor to 100% confirm it.  We met up the next night to “talk about it”.  I told him he didn’t have to be involved.  His response, “I would never do what my father did.  I am a better man than that.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  Thank God I wouldn’t have to go through this alone.  I immediately felt better; he immediately felt the need to light up a cigarette.  “Holy shit, get away from me, I can’t breathe that crap in!”

He went to the front door and opened it up.  “What are we going to do?” he asked.  “Do you want money for an abortion?”

I looked up at him completely taken back.  Did he really think I would be this emotional and upset if that was my plan?  I already had an ultrasound scheduled for the following day.  I was already doing what I could to protect my little one.  And he is suggesting THAT?

“Do you want to come with me tomorrow to the doctor?  Maybe that will help us both feel better.” I suggested.

“No, I am not ready for that.” He stated.

After a few more hours discussing telling our families, our zoo of pets and how to handle everything, I left.  I left feeling a little better.  He is here.  I don’t have to do this alone.  Thank God.

I had my doctor appointment the next day.  I called him afterwards.  He didn’t answer.  He didn’t return my texts.  Or any of my calls that day.  The following day he called and said “I did some research.  I will drive you to Iowa City.  They have a clinic that does lots of abortions.”

Wow.

“I don’t think you get it.  That is not an option for me.  I saw the baby on the screen, our baby.”

Clearly, this should have been a sign to me.  But he had said “I am a better man than that”.

We continued to hang out.  The only topic was the baby.  What we were going to do, where we were going to live, how we would tell people, etc.  He was being supportive, yet kept mentioning a road trip to Iowa City.  Finally, he must have realized I wasn’t budging.

He disappeared.

He wouldn’t return any calls.  He wouldn’t text or email.  Nothing.  It took me a month or two to realize that I was really on my own through this.

Part of me was relived.  I knew I did not want my child growing up with him as a male role model.  But most of me was heartbroken.  How could a man knowingly walk away from his child?  Leaving me is one thing, but leaving behind your child?

6 Thoughts on “Part One

  1. Melissa Heikes on April 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm said:

    Wow! How well you wrote this awful story… I truly believe that things happen for a reason. You and HJ are way better off and you have the joy of being a mother. No one can ever take away what that means and the bond that the two of you share. Kristin, this breaks my heart to read and gives me a glimpse of what you went through. I wish I could have been there for you. That we were close enough for you to feel comfortable.
    Thank you for sharing this part of your life.
    Melissa

  2. Your story really touched me.

    You have been on such a brave journey and I certainly hope you have had some combination of family and friends for support. I know there are many of us who are raising children on our own, but I don’t think as many started the journey alone as you have. I acknowledge your courage. It seems you felt like “HJ’s mother” from the very moment you knew about him.

    I believe the good news is this: Your love is big enough for the both of you! Just be sure to practice lots of loving, gentle self-care … I’m sure HJ wants you to take care of his mama. ;)

    I will stay tuned and cheer you on!

  3. Thank you both for your sweet words :)

  4. Hayley on May 7, 2013 at 11:02 pm said:

    Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Getting pregnant was an accident, he wanted an abortion and when I didn’t he left. I haven’t seen or talked to him since I was 16 weeks pregnant, my son is 6 weeks now. Oh well, his loss

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