This story may take a few weeks or even months to get out.  It is not the easiest thing to write about (But in a way it also helps).  It brings back all the emotions and heartache I dealt with, so hopefully this helps me to heal…and maybe even to forgive.

I kept pretty busy during my pregnancy.  Before I was pregnant, I had been working one night a week at a restaurant to earn “fun money” in addition to my full time job.  Once I found out I was pregnant, I started working 3 nights a week waitressing to help with new expenses.  On the days I was not working 2 jobs; I was fairly run down from all the working and would go out for a walk or jog with the dog. 

My friends and family were extremely supportive throughout the pregnancy.  One of my best friends was even pregnant at the same time as me, so we were able to talk about our changing bodies and crazy cravings (mine was anything with apples).  I had an “easy” pregnancy.  No morning sickness, felt fine, etc.

I was so excited to learn if I was having a boy or girl, the day could not come soon enough.  The week before I was to find out, I heard through the grapevine that my ex had moved in with his new girlfriend…a Hooter’s waitress.  Many thoughts went through my head.  I was hurt, yet also found it amusing.  After stalking the new girlfriend online (don’t judge) and seeing that all of the pictures were pretty much of her in her underwear…I had to laugh.  But at the same time it hurt.  I also was thinking, maybe this girl will make him want to be involved with his child.  I in no way wanted to get back together with him, but I still had dreams of my child having a father.

Finally, the day of my ultrasound came.  My sister and friend came with me.  Right away, the tech said, “you want to know what you are having, right?”

I nodded yes, and she turned the screen.  There it was, clear as could be!  A BOY!  I was over the moon.  I was so excited to share my news, and of course to start shopping!  Everything looked good on the ultrasound, and my due date was set at Nov. 9th, 2009.  A few days later, the Doctor called.  She said there was nothing to be worried about, but a small cyst had been found in the baby’s brain.  She scheduled another ultrasound to make sure it was gone.  I freaked.  I googled everything I could.  And of course 98% of it said, do not worry, it is a normal stage of development.  But there were a few posts that made me cringe.  I went back in for another ultrasound.  I was a mess.  When I got called back, the tech said, “Really, you shouldn’t be nervous, I don’t even know why they tell people about this.”

Still, I was nervous. 

Turns out, the doctors and techs were right (shocking, huh?).  The cyst had cleared, it IS a normal stage of development, and I had no need to be a freak for the 2 weeks.  PHEW.

In July, I finally heard from HIM.  Why we talked, I don’t know (I feel that way about most of our conversations).  All it did was upset me.  I found out he still had not told any family or friends and had no desire to let them know.  He didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl.  He didn’t care how we were doing.  He didn’t care that I had moved…and didn’t even ask where I had moved to (even though it was just a new apartment in my same complex).  He wasn’t phased that he had ran into my friends.  And wasn’t shocked I had heard about his new living arrangement. 

In August, my friends threw a double baby shower for my friend and I.  I felt so loved!  We both received so many wonderful things and I was feeling better about getting everything I needed for the baby without breaking my bank.

September, my sister and another friend threw me yet 2 more showers.  By this point it was time to get the room ready and started getting ready (yes, I am a prepare-er).

Then October came.  I was on the phone with my boss when a few red flags were thrown up.  I flat out asked, “Is my position being eliminated?”  He didn’t say anything.  “Are you kidding?  I am going to have a baby in a month and I am getting laid off?”  He apologized and said it wasn’t his decision.  And said I wasn’t even supposed to know about it until the day of layoffs, 3 weeks from then.  Crap.  How was I supposed to find a new job at 9 months pregnant?  I was planning on maternity leave, and spending time with my baby.  I had a daycare lined up to start in January.  Why this??  Hadn’t I been through enough?!?!

The next day HE called, on his own.  He said he wanted me to call him when I went to the hospital.  I lost it.  Suddenly he wanted to be involved.  I went through all this and he says he wants to go to the hospital. 

I was pissed.  Pissed about my job.  Pissed about him.

After a week or two I came to term with the job loss and figured, this will give me time to bond.  That and I had a fairly decent severance package that would allow me to still take my maternity leave.  And get a few weeks off before my baby boy came.

As far as calling him when I went to the hospital, I gave it a test run to see if he was serious.  Called him a few times (like 15) and had no response.  Clearly, he still did not want to be involved.

I spent the few weeks leading up to baby day taking long walks, cleaning the house like a mad women (yup, I was nesting) and reading.  Relaxing while I could.  Baby and I were going to be ok! 

I was driving in the car with my mom the other day, talking about how stinking cute my lil HJ is.

“I seriously have the cutest kid in the world. ”

My mom responded with, “I think every mother feels that way about their child”

My response?  “Well then clearly they haven’t seen a picture of my kid.”

Yup.  I don’t think I am biased at all.  I DO have the cutest little boy :)

Ground was officially broke for our new home today!  After looking at house after house and scouring www.wcfbor.com I came across something very lucky.

Remember, I haven’t had too much luck lately.  I decided to keep quiet about this for a while, waiting for the moment where it fell through my fingers.  But, a contract is signed and ground has broken, so clearly it is happening!

You know those “this sounds too good to be true” moments?  Where you keep saying “sounds great, but what is the catch”?  I recently had one of those.

I had been told about a program in Iowa that was giving grants due to the recent flooding.  The cities are building new houses and then providing the down payment…of 25%…in a forgivable loan.  The only catch is, I have to own the house for 5 years for the loan to be 100% forgivable…otherwise it decreases 20% per year (so if I move out after 2 years, the loan is 40% forgiven).

So in the last month in a half, I met with the builder, picked out a floor plan(tweaked it to my liking), picked out cupboards, flooring, counters, colors, etc.  AND holy cow was it exciting/overwhelming!  All of the houses I would have been able to purchase were in need of lots and lots of work..but MY house is brand spankin’ new!  No upgrades needed!  EEKSSS!

HJ and I have been super excited looking at paint colors and getting new toys for the yard.  I am hoping to bring HJ by so he can see all the big trucks (he loooves big trucks). 

 I finally feel like a little luck has come our way and can not wait to finally have a HOME!

I am hoping to get some pictures posted of the progress…but first I have to get a camera that is not broken (whoops!).

“I’m pregnant.”

The silence on the end of the phone was deafening.  It felt like an eternity before he finally spoke.

“Are you serious?”

I kind of laughed.  “That would be a pretty mean joke, so yeah…I am serious.”

We both sat there silent for a bit.  I was relived I had finally told him.  I had been sitting on the knowledge for a week and a half by this point, but wanted to wait until I had gone to the doctor to 100% confirm it.  We met up the next night to “talk about it”.  I told him he didn’t have to be involved.  His response, “I would never do what my father did.  I am a better man than that.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  Thank God I wouldn’t have to go through this alone.  I immediately felt better; he immediately felt the need to light up a cigarette.  “Holy shit, get away from me, I can’t breathe that crap in!”

He went to the front door and opened it up.  “What are we going to do?” he asked.  “Do you want money for an abortion?”

I looked up at him completely taken back.  Did he really think I would be this emotional and upset if that was my plan?  I already had an ultrasound scheduled for the following day.  I was already doing what I could to protect my little one.  And he is suggesting THAT?

“Do you want to come with me tomorrow to the doctor?  Maybe that will help us both feel better.” I suggested.

“No, I am not ready for that.” He stated.

After a few more hours discussing telling our families, our zoo of pets and how to handle everything, I left.  I left feeling a little better.  He is here.  I don’t have to do this alone.  Thank God.

I had my doctor appointment the next day.  I called him afterwards.  He didn’t answer.  He didn’t return my texts.  Or any of my calls that day.  The following day he called and said “I did some research.  I will drive you to Iowa City.  They have a clinic that does lots of abortions.”

Wow.

“I don’t think you get it.  That is not an option for me.  I saw the baby on the screen, our baby.”

Clearly, this should have been a sign to me.  But he had said “I am a better man than that”.

We continued to hang out.  The only topic was the baby.  What we were going to do, where we were going to live, how we would tell people, etc.  He was being supportive, yet kept mentioning a road trip to Iowa City.  Finally, he must have realized I wasn’t budging.

He disappeared.

He wouldn’t return any calls.  He wouldn’t text or email.  Nothing.  It took me a month or two to realize that I was really on my own through this.

Part of me was relived.  I knew I did not want my child growing up with him as a male role model.  But most of me was heartbroken.  How could a man knowingly walk away from his child?  Leaving me is one thing, but leaving behind your child?

I officially decided I need to make a little more “me” time.  I always feel guilty leaving little HJ.  Since he was born, I have MAYBE had 5 nights out.  Five nights where I can have an adult conversation.  Unlike most people with a baby, I do not have another adult in the house.  When he is in bed, I can’t sit on the couch and talk with someone.  My time is always with HJ.  And don’t get me wrong, I love our time.  But I feel like having time for myself would be a good way to recharge.  Heading out to dinner with friends (sans children), going for a jog, getting a pedicure…all sound like an amazing way to get back on track and remind myself that I am an adult.  A person who needs a little pampering and a little down time.   A little less time pushing toy cars and picking up legos and a little more lounging back with a mojito.  I forget what it feels like to spend more than 30 minutes getting ready to look hot for a night on the town.  I would love to be able to throw a cute dress on, a hot pair of heels and maybe even curl my hair.

Me time.