This story may take a few weeks or even months to get out. It is not the easiest thing to write about (But in a way it also helps). It brings back all the emotions and heartache I dealt with, so hopefully this helps me to heal…and maybe even to forgive.
I kept pretty busy during my pregnancy. Before I was pregnant, I had been working one night a week at a restaurant to earn “fun money” in addition to my full time job. Once I found out I was pregnant, I started working 3 nights a week waitressing to help with new expenses. On the days I was not working 2 jobs; I was fairly run down from all the working and would go out for a walk or jog with the dog.
My friends and family were extremely supportive throughout the pregnancy. One of my best friends was even pregnant at the same time as me, so we were able to talk about our changing bodies and crazy cravings (mine was anything with apples). I had an “easy” pregnancy. No morning sickness, felt fine, etc.
I was so excited to learn if I was having a boy or girl, the day could not come soon enough. The week before I was to find out, I heard through the grapevine that my ex had moved in with his new girlfriend…a Hooter’s waitress. Many thoughts went through my head. I was hurt, yet also found it amusing. After stalking the new girlfriend online (don’t judge) and seeing that all of the pictures were pretty much of her in her underwear…I had to laugh. But at the same time it hurt. I also was thinking, maybe this girl will make him want to be involved with his child. I in no way wanted to get back together with him, but I still had dreams of my child having a father.
Finally, the day of my ultrasound came. My sister and friend came with me. Right away, the tech said, “you want to know what you are having, right?”
I nodded yes, and she turned the screen. There it was, clear as could be! A BOY! I was over the moon. I was so excited to share my news, and of course to start shopping! Everything looked good on the ultrasound, and my due date was set at Nov. 9th, 2009. A few days later, the Doctor called. She said there was nothing to be worried about, but a small cyst had been found in the baby’s brain. She scheduled another ultrasound to make sure it was gone. I freaked. I googled everything I could. And of course 98% of it said, do not worry, it is a normal stage of development. But there were a few posts that made me cringe. I went back in for another ultrasound. I was a mess. When I got called back, the tech said, “Really, you shouldn’t be nervous, I don’t even know why they tell people about this.”
Still, I was nervous.
Turns out, the doctors and techs were right (shocking, huh?). The cyst had cleared, it IS a normal stage of development, and I had no need to be a freak for the 2 weeks. PHEW.
In July, I finally heard from HIM. Why we talked, I don’t know (I feel that way about most of our conversations). All it did was upset me. I found out he still had not told any family or friends and had no desire to let them know. He didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. He didn’t care how we were doing. He didn’t care that I had moved…and didn’t even ask where I had moved to (even though it was just a new apartment in my same complex). He wasn’t phased that he had ran into my friends. And wasn’t shocked I had heard about his new living arrangement.
In August, my friends threw a double baby shower for my friend and I. I felt so loved! We both received so many wonderful things and I was feeling better about getting everything I needed for the baby without breaking my bank.
September, my sister and another friend threw me yet 2 more showers. By this point it was time to get the room ready and started getting ready (yes, I am a prepare-er).
Then October came. I was on the phone with my boss when a few red flags were thrown up. I flat out asked, “Is my position being eliminated?” He didn’t say anything. “Are you kidding? I am going to have a baby in a month and I am getting laid off?” He apologized and said it wasn’t his decision. And said I wasn’t even supposed to know about it until the day of layoffs, 3 weeks from then. Crap. How was I supposed to find a new job at 9 months pregnant? I was planning on maternity leave, and spending time with my baby. I had a daycare lined up to start in January. Why this?? Hadn’t I been through enough?!?!
The next day HE called, on his own. He said he wanted me to call him when I went to the hospital. I lost it. Suddenly he wanted to be involved. I went through all this and he says he wants to go to the hospital.
I was pissed. Pissed about my job. Pissed about him.
After a week or two I came to term with the job loss and figured, this will give me time to bond. That and I had a fairly decent severance package that would allow me to still take my maternity leave. And get a few weeks off before my baby boy came.
As far as calling him when I went to the hospital, I gave it a test run to see if he was serious. Called him a few times (like 15) and had no response. Clearly, he still did not want to be involved.
I spent the few weeks leading up to baby day taking long walks, cleaning the house like a mad women (yup, I was nesting) and reading. Relaxing while I could. Baby and I were going to be ok!